I spent exactly $342.18 on protein powders between week 14 and week 22 of my pregnancy. I know this because I keep a spreadsheet for my household expenses, mostly because my job in logistics involves staring at data all day and it bleeds into my real life. Most of that money ended up in the kitchen trash can or down the sink drain. Being pregnant makes your taste buds act like a spoiled toddler who only wants beige food, yet every influencer on Instagram is trying to sell you a ‘clean, plant-based’ powder that tastes like a wet cardboard box.
It was 2:15 PM on a Tuesday at the office. I was sitting at my desk, trying to be a ‘good pregnant person’ by hitting my 71 grams of protein for the day. I opened a fresh tub of Ritual Prenatal Protein. The smell hit me so fast I had to sprint—not walk—to the communal bathroom past three of my coworkers. I barely made it. The smell wasn’t even bad, objectively. It just had this weird, medicinal vanilla undertone that my body decided was poison. I sat on the floor of that stall for ten minutes just breathing through my nose. I never touched that tub again. $40 down the drain.
The ‘Clean’ marketing scam is exhausting
I’m going to say something that will probably get me some angry comments from the wellness crowd, but I think the obsession with ‘heavy metal testing’ in protein powder is mostly just a way to overcharge us. I might be wrong about this—I’m not a toxicologist—but every time I see a brand like Needed or Be Well by Kelly touting their ‘Clean Label Project’ certification, I feel like they’re just preying on our maternal anxiety. Everything has trace amounts of stuff in it. If you eat a carrot grown in soil, you’re getting minerals and metals. We’ve become so terrified of our food that we’re willing to pay $60 for a bag of pea protein that tastes like actual dirt just because it has a shiny seal on it.
What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently. The safety matters, but the fear-mongering is the product. I’ve noticed that the ‘cleanest’ powders are often the ones that make me feel the worst. They use stevia or monk fruit to keep the sugar low, but those sweeteners make my bloating ten times worse. I tracked my bloating on a scale of 1-10 for 22 days while switching between different brands. On the days I used the ‘pure’ plant proteins with monk fruit? Solid 8. My stomach felt like a basketball. On the days I used a basic, high-quality whey? A 2 or 3.
The best protein powder is the one you can actually keep down without wanting to die.
I also have a total, irrational hatred for Garden of Life. I don’t care how many people recommend them. They were bought by Nestlé years ago, and I just can’t bring myself to trust a company owned by a giant conglomerate that has a history of questionable ethics in the formula industry. It’s petty, I know. Their ‘Raw Organic’ protein also has the texture of literal sand. I don’t care if it’s ‘raw.’ I’m not a cow. I don’t want to chew my liquid shake.
Why I stopped listening to the plant-based hype
I used to think whey protein was ‘trash’ protein. I was completely wrong. I spent years in my twenties buying into the idea that plant-based was always superior for inflammation. But during pregnancy, your body needs specific amino acids like glycine and choline. Most pea proteins are just… incomplete. They’re fine if you’re a 25-year-old gym bro, but when you’re building a literal human spine, you need more.
Anyway, I found that whey isolate—specifically the cold-processed stuff—was the only thing that didn’t make me feel like a swamp monster. I know people will disagree because ‘dairy is inflammatory,’ but for me, it was the only thing that felt like real food. Finding a good one is like trying to find a matching sock in a dark laundry room; you feel around through a lot of garbage before you find the right fit.
Speaking of things that fit, I spent $110 on those Lululemon Align leggings everyone raves about for pregnancy. They pilled after three washes. Three! I was so mad I almost cried in the laundry room. My $20 Amazon dupes are still going strong. It just goes to show that the ‘premium’ price tag is usually a lie. But I digress.
The three brands that didn’t make me gag
If you’re struggling to hit your protein goals and you’re tired of wasting money, here is my very biased, non-professional opinion on what actually works. I tested 8 brands total. These are the survivors.
- Thorne Whey Protein Isolate: This is the gold standard. It’s unflavored, which is the secret. You can put it in a smoothie with a frozen banana and peanut butter and you literally cannot taste it. It’s NSF Certified for Sport, which is a way more rigorous test than the ‘Clean Label’ stuff anyway. It’s expensive, but it’s the only one I finished the whole bag of.
- Promix Grass-Fed Whey: This is my runner-up. It has two ingredients. Two. No gums, no weird ‘natural flavors’ that taste like chemicals. It’s a bit cheaper than Thorne. It mixes well in a simple shaker bottle, which is great because sometimes I’m too tired to wash the blender.
- Needed Collagen Protein: I’ll give the plant/alternative crowd one win. This stuff is okay. It’s not a full protein replacement, but it’s tasteless. I put it in my decaf coffee in the morning. It didn’t help my skin ‘glow’ or whatever they claim, but it added 15g of protein to my day without effort.
Total lie. That’s what most ‘pregnancy-specific’ powders are. They take a standard formula, add a tiny bit of folate, and hike the price by 30%. Just buy a high-quality regular powder and take your prenatal vitamin. Don’t let them tax your pregnancy brain.
The part where I might be wrong
I’m fully aware that some people have genuine dairy allergies and need the plant stuff. If that’s you, I’m sorry. I tried the Sprout Living Pumpkin Seed protein and it was… tolerable? But only if you drown it in cocoa powder. I also think the whole ‘collagen isn’t a real protein’ argument has some merit. Some scientists say your body just breaks it down into basic aminos and doesn’t actually use it for ‘collagen’ things. I don’t know. I’m just a person who works in a warehouse office and wants to be able to walk up the stairs without getting winded.
The truth is, I’m still not sure if I’m doing any of this right. Some mornings I have a high-protein smoothie and feel like a superhero. Other mornings I eat three frozen waffles and a bowl of cereal because the thought of a protein shake makes me want to cry. Is the protein powder even helping? Or am I just participating in a $20 billion industry because I’m scared of failing my kid before they’re even born?
If you’re looking for a recommendation: Buy the Thorne Whey. Skip the vanilla flavors. Get the unflavored one. It’s the only way to survive the second trimester with your sanity intact.
Does anyone else actually like the taste of stevia? Or are we all just pretending?
